


So I will chase Perfection to my grave (You looked Me in the eye and said I was Enough)

by itsjustnoise



Category: Aespa (Band), LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:20:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28948806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsjustnoise/pseuds/itsjustnoise
Summary: Minjeong thinks that chasing after something so fleeting can only end in a trainwreck. She does it anyway.
Relationships: Jeon Heejin/Kim Hyunjin, Kim Minjeong | Winter/Yoo Jimin | Karina
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	So I will chase Perfection to my grave (You looked Me in the eye and said I was Enough)

**Author's Note:**

> There is a whole backlog of lectures, assignments and presentations I have staring at me from my post its and they are burning a hole in my ass but writing always comes first :') Someone please teach me how to prioritise.  
> Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this word vomit of me basically projecting onto Minjeong (I am sorry child).  
> Maybe I'll write one for Jimin, we'll see if my prioritising gets better :'D

Growing up, all Minjeong has ever heard from the grown ups was that she was the most beautiful, that she was brighter than kids her age, that she had to be the best to get anywhere in life at all. She hears it till she mumbles it in her sleep, till it's all she sees carved onto the back of her eyelids, till it is a tangible block of words that cuts into her fingers when she tries to hold them in small, soft hands. There's a certain adrenaline rush that Minjeong craves everytime she executes a seamless routine or when she finishes a particular gruelling set that leaves her sprawled on the floor, panting and exhausted. It silences the voices for a moment and the repsite is just long enough to allow her to breathe. "Perfect, great job as usual," her coach will say and Minjeong curls her sliced fingers around the words like a drowning man grasping at straw. She chases this praise, would never admit to anyone how much she needs to hear it to keep her going. Because why do anything at all if it wasn't perfect, she would be useless if she wasn't anything but the best. It's the reason why she continued attending her kickboxing training and wushu sessions even after she graduated from her highschool, even after most of her friends stopped. Little monkey, her coach calls her, because her signature weapon was the bo staff and because her agility was her strongest attribute during sparring. Many of the juniors wonder how she got so good for someone with no background in martial arts at all, Minjeong always hears hushed voices murmuring in the toilets after practice. 

They say she is dedicated, that she's a natural, that her movements flow as smoothly as water in a peaceful river and her reactions are as sharp as that of her coach. 

Minjeong knows that she is desperate, that she is a coward who is scared to fail and disappoint. That her movements are only this smooth because she has a fear of getting hurt, that everytime she avoids a blow, it is actually a flinch to get away. That she picked the bo staff because it keeps her opponent far away from her.

It latches onto her like a parasite she can never seem to get rid of, the neverending thirst to be perfect, to be the best. Yet the main reason why Minjeong comes to the gym at four in the morning everyday, is because her best friend always takes the graveyard shift and she doesn't get to see her enough during school hours.

"Bullshit," Hyunjin sneers with no contempt, raising an eyebrow as Minjeong gasped with a hand over heart. "We're allowed to workout during our shifts. You just want to avoid the people who will judge you. Admit it Jeongie, you aren't that slick."

And yes, it is also to avoid all the sweaty gym rats that probably lived here when the sun is up but she'll not be caught saying that when her boss was around. 

"Why can't you just come at normal human functioning hours? You can get more sleep too." 

Minjeong drops her bag on the front desk and leaps over the marble counter with ease, Hyunjin pulls her laptop away in the nick of time.

"Hey, why are you complaining so much? Aren't you glad I'm here to keep you company?"

"I already have company, you little bean." The older girl grins as she wiggles her phone, Minjeong just catches Heekie with a single yellow heart at the top of the screen and a puppy emoji at the back.

"You being here just means I have to watch over your clumsy ass. God knows how anybody can trip over a flat surface with nobody in your way." 

Minjeong's cheek burns as she punches Hyunjin's shoulder, rolling her eyes when her best friend howls in pain. 

"Quit whining, and stop talking about that. We agreed to never bring it up again." 

Hyunjin laughs, it's more like a bark, booming and sudden, and Minjeong would have jumped if she weren't already used to it. Hyunjin has been her neighbour and best friend since she was 12, and despite being two months older than her, sometimes acted like she was the younger one between the both of them. Theirs was a friendship forged over the years they have spent climbing trees together, chasing after the ice cream trucks down the road and petting the stray cats that lounged along the streets in the mid morning sun. Theirs was the only friendship that Minjeong would rather die than let go of and she knows in her heart of hearts that Hyunjin would too. Minjeong has long since dropped the use of any honorifics with her and Hyunjin doesn't mind, she was just thankful she there was a girl who was willing to play soccer and basketball with her in the neighbourhood, the boys all avoided her once she soundly thrashed them at both sports. She never wanted Minjeong to be perfect, was brutally honest with her, took the time to understand the reasons for the unhealthy habits that had chased many people out of Minjeong's life and never judged her for it. And always bought her ice cream whenever she wanted to eat any.

"I'm your best friend and there's a rule somewhere that states that it's illegal for me to let you forget about your embarrassing episodes." 

Hyunjin's eyes crinkle at the corners when she laughs again and Minjeong rolls her eyes but the action is fond. She jumps back over the counter, and slings her bag over one shoulder as she lands, wincing when she hears the wooden staff she carried knock against each other. 

"I'll be back at 7, but you're allowed to come bother me when your girlfriend is busy." 

Hyunjin waves her away, attention already back to her phone, fingers tapping away at the screen and Minjeong smiles. She's only met Heejin a handful of times, always over dinner or supper with Hyunjin at the 24 hour diner on campus. They were older now, 21 and 22 respectively, and there was no longer any ice cream truck for them to chase after down the street when they wanted a treat. So the diner became their new place, with cheap milkshakes and pancakes that Hyunjin still bought for Minjeong whenever she craved something sweet. When they had dropped Heejin off at her block after the first dinner, Minjeong had told Hyunjin with utter seriousness that she would pick Heejin over her any day and that if Hyunjin broke her heart, she would burn all the bread that Hyunjin ever bought. Hyunjin had whined so loudly, Minjeong had to slap a hand over her mouth because 'it's late you dumbass, there are people sleeping!' and promise to buy her bread the next day just so she would stop. Hyunjin grinned past her hand, and skipped down the stone stairs, steps light. But she remembers how uncharacteristically nervous Hyunjin had been when they waited for Heejin's cafe shift to end, her hands and feet had never stopped moving even as they sat side by side outside the diner. Minjeong thinks that she had nothing to worry about, the both of them surprisingly shared many interests and a deep love of laughing at Hyunjin's expense.

"When I told you I hoped the both of you guys would get along, this was not what I meant." Hyunjin had commented dryly over their milkshakes and Minjeong shared one look with Heejin before the both of them burst into unstoppable giggles while Hyunjin slurped at her banana milkshake with a crease between her brows.

But later, when Minjeong's settling down at her desk to review her Food Chemistry lectures for the week, she gets a text from Hyunjin. 

'Hey,' she reads aloud with a small smile, 'I really hope you enjoyed the dinner.'

'You know I did, stop worrying so much. Heejin’s great. I'm so happy for you, Hyun.' 

'You guys are my two favourite people, it'll be nice if you guys could be friends.' 

She remembers Hyunjin telling her the same thing the day before in the gym as they sat at the front desk to watch the sunrise. There is a grin on Minjeong's face as she replies, her chest feels warm and comforting. 

'Ew, love has made you soft. Dumb cat. You'll have my full support forever obviously.'

And Hyunjin had replied with a cat emoji that had Minjeong rolling her eyes. But the warm feeling grows and she goes to sleep with a smile at the corner of her lips, her heart humming a tune only she can hear.

Minjeong has a habit of singing in the showers, she likes the acoustics of the tiled walls and it's always nice when she doesn't have to live with the fear of somebody shouting at her to shut up at any point of her performance. Singing calms her, relieves her of her stress in the same way kickboxing and wushu does, only in a less strenuous way. So whenever she can, she sings, softly at first but it doesn't take long before she's belting out songs to the slightly rusted showerhead as she scrubs the shampoo into her hair. Hyunjin's all too used to it, and even though she's complained that Minjeong is always so noisy and that she can always hear her even though the front desk is so far away from the toilets, Minjeong knows that Hyunjin loves it when she sings. Recently, she has been looping her Ed Sheeran playlist and when Castle on the Hill comes on, it takes Minjeong approximately five seconds for her to start imitating the guitar in the opening of the song. Galway Girl cycles next and Minjeong loses herself to the beat as she finishes up.

But then she opens the door of the cubicle and everything just goes to shit. In her three years of coming to the gym at four am, never once has she seen another soul. Minjeong's voice catches in her throat, her grip on her towel tightening as she stares at the reflection of the shirtless girl in front of her. Her gaze drags up, comically slow, along the deep line in the middle of a flat stomach and Minjeong feels her tongue suddenly become a deadweight at the back of her mouth as it falls open. She forces her eyes past the pale swells of flesh just peeking out of the girl's black bra, feeling her cheeks heat up and swallows thickly when she reaches defined collarbones and milky skin. But then she meets a pair of round eyes in the mirror that are most certainly, not hers. The corner of pink cupid bow lips quirk up, and Minjeong follows the movement of the beauty mark with her undivided attention.

Oh, she thinks dimly, Yoo Jimin is laughing at me.

Wait. Yoo Jimin?

Sense slams back into her so hard, Minjeong barely manages to stifle the wheeze that rushed out of her throat. Her sides hurt, it feels like the time she had taken a full roundhouse kick in the ribs with only a vest for protection. Minjeong instantly ducks her head and almost slips on the wet floors as she scurries to her bag, cheeks blazing ruby red despite the freezing shower she had just taken. Actually, it would be great if she would slip now, crack her head open on the brown tiles and bleed to death, anything to get herself out of this situation that was slowly spiralling out of control. She's sure that even her ears are red, if the burn she feels is any indication. It's almost like her body forgets how to function whenever there's a pretty girl nearby, and since Yoo Jimin is Minjeong's definition of the prettiest girl, her fingers cannot seem to properly grab her sweater, fumbling over the worn material she's held a million times.

And when she finally manages to yank the yellow sweater over her head, she hears ,"hey," and panics. 

"Sorry, I didn't see anything. Sorry sorry, I really didn't. Sorry." Minjeong babbles as she throws everything she sees into her bag and speedwalks out of the showers, all while keeping her head as low as she can. 

Hyunjin's still on her phone when she exits the shower and it takes every ounce of self control Minjeong has in her 165m body for her not to scream as she stiffly comes to a stop in front of the girl. But Hyunjin seems to sense something wrong and looks up to see Minjeong shaking like a leaf in the middle of a storm. 

"Jeongie?" she begins carefully, placing her phone down and reaching out to gingerly pry Minjeong's bag out of her white-knuckled grip.

"Why-" Minjeong blinks, her voice box doesn't seem to want to cooperate with her either. 

Hyunjin pulls her to the side and helps her over the counter. "Breathe," she instructs and Minjeong listens.

"Why," she tries again, pushing down the panic and focussing on the grounding grip Hyunjin has on her wrist, "why didn't you tell me Yoo Jimin's here too."

It's no secret that Kim Minjeong has had a crush on Yoo Jimin. 

"It's been almost 4 years, you dumbass. I don't think you can call it a crush anymore. And I know you have a folder on Instagram with all her dance videos that you watch religiously." Hyunjin will say and Heejin will nod sagely from the side. 

Minjeong always feels very attacked whenever this happens and will pout until one of them apologises (It's usually Heejin). But she maintains that it's a harmless crush and that it'll go away when she meets someone else. Hyunjin always scoffs and pats her head. 'Whatever helps you sleep at night,' her eyes always seem to say and Minjeong will close hers and try her hardest not to think of navy hair, small hands and a fiery gaze that always burns straight into her soul whenever they accidentally lock eyes over hundreds of heads in the crowded cafeteria. Minjeong doesn't know how that keeps happening, why of all directions Yoo Jimin could choose to look in, it had to be hers. But whenever that happens, Minjeong will immediately avert her gaze, snapping her attention back to whatever conversation that was taking place in front of her. By the fifth time it had happened, Hyunjin had stopped shooting her questioning looks. And Yoo Jimin could be soft too, when she was laughing with her best friend Aeri or when she was coddling their youngest friend Yizhuo. Minjeong has lost count of the number of times she has caught herself wishing that it was her Jimin was patting or cooing at and she hates herself for being jealous over something that was most certainly impossible for her to have. She had long since convinced herself she would be fine with a lifetime of pining, it was the only viable option in her humble opinion. Their social circles ran in completely opposite directions, Jimin was a shoo-in for dance captain alongside Heejin once the seniors graduated, played outside hitter for their university volleyball team and was a familiar face to anyone that attended pep rallies. Minjeong was just another nerd in the Book club, her commitments were outside of the school grounds and she would rather it stay that way since the university didn't have any martial arts club she was interested in. 

She would have to blame Hyunjin for this out of control crush that she was currently 6-feet under and drowning in. She had dragged an unwilling Minjeong to one of Heejin's dance performances and as soon as Jimin bursts out from the trap door on the floor, it was all a straight downhill spiral from there. Her hair had been a light brown then, a far cry from navy, and she was wearing a white crop top with white tights. 

"That's Heejin's performance!" Hyunjin had thrilled into her ears, "she said the theme was Jekyll and Hyde."

And Hyunjin had not been quiet as she continued talking about her girlfriend's dance number but Minjeong could barely hear anything her best friend said. How could she? When her attention was locked onto Yoo Jimim, all lithe muscle and powerful movements controlled by an unseen strength just under the surface of her skin. Like a snake about to strike, she thinks, hypnotised, and bites down hard on her bottom lips when Jimin smirks at the audience so her thoughts don't wander too far down the gutter. In full white and under the glare of the spotlights, Minjeong thinks that Jimin is the most beautiful thing she will ever have the pleasure of seeing in her life. And as her hair glows molten gold, Minjeong feels the tingles of electricity spark through her veins when the ivory glow catches the shine of her ebony eyes. She can almost imagine Jimin's looking at her, with how intense her gaze is and digs her fingernails into her palms. Hyunjin notices, because of course she does, and nudges her when the performance ends and Minjeong had not so much as even twitched. 

"Yoo Jimin huh?" 

And Minjeong had blushed so hard, she thinks she matched the color of the auditorium seats as Hyunjin chuckles into her hands.

After the performance, Hyunjin drags her off so they could find Heejin to congratulate her. Minjeong laughs as Hyunjin cradles the bouquet of jasmine and baby breaths in gentle hands as they scan the crowd together. In all her years with Hyunjin, never once has Minjeong ever seen Hyunjin treat flowers with this much respect. Heejin was really a special one. They finally spot her, at the end of the hall and Hyunjin all but dashes over, leaving Minjeong behind to struggle to catch up. Heejin was Hyde, and in her full black costume and dark makeup, looked absolutely gorgeous. 

"You did great, Heejin. This one would not shut up." Minjeong tells her when she finally makes it past all the pointy elbows and bony shoulders, eyes disappearing behind her smile and Heejin beams back, all morning sunshine and blinking stars, a complete flip from her onstage persona. 

They laugh together as Hyunjin shyly lifts up the bouquet, eyes flitting everywhere but Heejin’s face and Minjeong gags into her hands when Heejin presses a kiss to Hyunjin's cheek. But then the crowd next to her shifts and the sudden smell of lavender has Minjeong turning her head to follow the scent. She meets a pair of wide ebony eyes, sharp and full of emotion on stage, now crinkling around the corners when Minjeong realises that she's been caught staring. She jolts and whirls back to her friends, bumping into a boy beside her and apologises to her shoes. Hyunjin looks at her weirdly and turns around. Minjeong doesn't have the time or energy to stop her and watches with dread slowly filling up her stomach when she pieces together exactly what happened in the two minutes they weren't looking at her. When her best friend turns back, her eyes are sparkling in a way Minjeong knows from experience that is never good. 

"No." she growls even before Hyunjin can even open her mouth and grimances when Heejin raises an eyebrow.

But Hyunjin has never been afraid of her so she turns to Heejin with a small kiss to her nose and says," Tell you about it later. Are you joining us for dinner?"

Heejin nods and kisses Hyunjin's cheek again before dashing off to the dance room. Hyunjin turns around to watch her go and Minjeong wants so badly to groan to the heavens. Her best friend laughs and pulls her away from the crowd towards the doors.

"Yoo Jimin?"

"Shut up."

"She's still looking at you, you know." 

"...shut up."

Which brings them to this point in time where Minjeong is crouching behind the desk, just out of view as she prays to every God who is willing to listen. Hyunjin stares back down at her, expression torn between exasperated and concerned. 

"I wanted to tell you, but you were so focussed on your routine I didn't want to disturb you."

Minjeong had blanched as soon as those words left Hyunjin's lips.

"She saw me doing my routine?" 

Hyunjin nods and Minjeong barely refrains from slamming her head into the side of the desk. She whimpers instead and Hyunjin reaches down to rub circles into her scalp to calm her down. It works, until Hyunjin suddenly stops and from her angle, Minjeong can see her smiling at someone. 

"Hey Hyunjin," Minjeong has never heard Jimin speak in her life but her voice is deep and still feminine and Minjeong thinks she could listen to her talk forever.

"Hi Jimin, what's up?" 

"I was wondering if Minjeong's still here. I think I spooked her and I wanted to apologise."

Minjeong chokes as silently as she can.

"Oh," Hyunjin's eyes flicker down and Jimin catches it, follows it to the tips of a yellow elbow that peeks out from the side of the desk and smiles ruefully. "You just missed her. But I'll be sure to pass on the message for you." 

"Thanks, see you around."

"Bye."

Minjeong does not move till she hears the door swing shut, her heart thumping like she just spinted 400 meters on the track. Hyunjin eyes her as she stands up on shaky legs. Then-

"How does Yoo Jimin know my name?"

The first thing Heejin greets her with is an apology. Minjeong just feels numb as Hyunjin and Heejin each take a hand and drag her into the diner. It's late, almost 12am and there aren't as many people as there would be on a weekday. 

"Is there anything you want to eat?" Heejin asks her, nudging Hyunjin when Minjeong squeaks and buries her head into her hands. 

Hyunjin just sighs, having seen this side of Minjeong before and ordering them blueberry pancakes and vanilla milkshakes. Minjeong eyes the knife that they were given with longing in her eyes and Hyunjin slaps the back of her head as Heejin gasps, horrified. 

"Enough of that. You've been moping all day." she says and Minjeong galres at her from the corner of her eyes. And when she opens her mouth, her tone is biting, frigid, like Winter and she hates it.

"If you have never spoken to Heejin in your life and have been caught staring like some unwelcome creep multiple times, by Heejin herself, only to find out that she not only knows your name, but that also your two best friends have been telling her things about you behind your back, how would you react?!" 

Hyunjin blinks and Heejin exhales and Minjeong knows she's whining but she honestly cannot bring herself to care. 

"Well," Hyunjin begins, "that's incredibly specific."

Heejin frowns and Minjeong immediately feels bad. "I'm sorry, Minjeong. But Jimin was asking about you. What else was I supposed to say?"

But then their pancakes come and the three of them eat in silence as Minjeong tries to salvage her situation. And by the end of the dinner, she had figured out what she wanted to say. 

"Heejin," The girl turns to her with a quirk in her eyebrow, Minjeong tries not to focus on the protective way Hyunjin held her arm. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. I wasn't really thinking straight." 

Heejin smiles and pokes at Minjeong left cheek, right where her dimple should be if she was smiling. 

"It's okay, I should have told you about it too. I guess we're both at fault here." 

Minjeong looks at Hyunjin who just shrugs and knows she’s already been forgiven.

Minjeong drags her feet to the gym the following week. Ever since she woke up, there has been an uncomfortable feeling in her gut that has not subsided and usually, Minjeong would listen to it. But today feels like a day of rebellion, no matter the consequence, so she packs her staff into her bag and trudges off to where she knows Hyunjin will be. Today is practice day, and she'll be damned if she slacks off.

"I'm here," she greets when the glass doors slide open and sees Hyunjin on the phone. 

"Heejin?" Hyunjin nods. "Tell her I said hi." Hyunjin nods again and Minjeong heads off to the mats with decidedly lighter footsteps.

She stretches on autopilot, something her coach always reminds her not to do but Minjeong thinks that if you've been doing the same thing for so long, your body will start to remember it for you. Muscle memory, it's her best defence against any opponent. Her staff is a comforting weight in her hands, a reminder of how far she has come and a burden that she carried with too thin wrists. Most people in the wushu community didn't expect someone of her stature or weight to choose the bo staff and Minjeong doesn't blame them. It's a boy's weapon, hard and cumbersome, everyone thought she would choose fans or even the sword. But defiance and stubbornness have always ran side by side through Minjeong's veins and she had chosen it without a second thought. Her palms still bore calluses that she had gotten when she was 16, Minjeong wears them like badges of honour, to prove her worth to whoever that might question it. She assembles her staff without looking, fingertips running over the familiar notches that join everything together, nails catching on grooves that she promises she herself to polish away when she can. There is one routine she never fails to run through whenever she has the chance, it's the hardest one she has ever done. Minjeong loves it because of the challenge it brings, revels in the shocked faces of people who doubted her, holds in the protests and screams of her muscles just for it. It is also her favourite because it cemented her nickname in the community, gave her a title she holds onto with pride. This achievement was something she worked extremely hard for, a secret that she wrapped and stored in the deepest crevice of her heart, only to look back on when she needs motivation to press forwards. Journey to the West was fast paced, required her to do multiple tricks while keeping track of her staff in the air and demanded her absolute concentration. It was draining, consumed almost all her energy and Minjeong sinks into the role like it was crafted just for her. Because she was the Monkey King and in that three minutes and forty two seconds of energetic flutes, crashing cymbals and banging drums, she wasn't perfect, but she was invincible. Then the song ends and Minjeong feels the fatigue return, rests her forehead on her staff, closes her eyes and holds as much air as she can in her lungs.

"My left foot at the third move," she murmurs, flopping down on the mat and reaching blindly behind her for her phone to pause the music. "My backspring wasn't fast enough and the kick could have been higher." 

Minjoeng sighs loudly through her nose when her fingers scrable for a phone she thought was there. "My speed is slower too, disgusting."

But then someone presses her phone into her wandering fingers and says in a voice that is deep yet feminine, "you still did really good though."

Minjeong freezes, feels her staff roll off her lap. She turns, joints creaky and stiff and sees Yoo Jimin standing behind her with a small smile. Her gaze shoots to the clock and sees 4:45 in glaring red numbers.

What. The. Hell.

"Minjeong right?" Minjeong can only stare. "Hi, I'm Jimin."

'I know,' Minjeong wants so badly to say, 'I don't think there's anybody on campus who doesn't know who you are.'

But all that comes out of her throat that is slowly closing up is a squeak that has Jimin blinking in confusion before she bursts into laughter. When Yoo Jimin laughs, Minjeong imagines it starts as a tiny sound from the bottom of her chest and collects all the happiness along the way as it travels up her throat and builds and builds and builds before bursting from her nose. It's not melodious or belly-clenching but it's so wholly Yoo Jimin and Minjeong decides that she would give her soul just to hear it again. 

"Cute." Jimin smiles and the synapses in Minjeong's brain stop firing. Because Jimin's coming closer and all Minjeong can do is nod when she asks if she can join her on the mat. 

"You're always here so early." Jimin sighs and stretches out her legs, Minjeong quickly looks away and she hears the laughter again.

"Yeah, I... It's quiet when it's early. I like it." Minjeong mumbles, holding her staff like a lifeline. “Why are you here?”

Minjeong knows Yoo Jimin comes to the gym too, but she always sees her during her late afternoons shifts with her volleyball teammates on Thursdays or with Aeri midway through her morning shifts on Tuesdays.

“I needed a change of scenery. And you’re right, it’s nice when it’s quiet.”

Jimin hums before she turns to face Minjeong and she drops her head without a second thought. Shame, she misses the fond look Jimin fixes her with.

"About that day, in the showers... I'm really sorry. I really didn't," Minjeong gulps when she lifts her head to meet ebony eyes. 

"I really didn't mean to stare," she finishes, her voice tapering off into nothing and Jimin's gaze softens. 

"When Heejin talks about you, I never would have thought you were so shy. Guess you're full of surprises huh, Kim Minjeong."

Minjeong blinks. "You talk about me?" Jimin nods. "Why?" 

Jimin smiles and her eyes crinkle too but it looks nothing like Hyunjin’s. Minjeong can't help but stare at the beauty mark again. "I wonder why." 

And then she stands and holds a hand out for Minjeong to take. She takes it without a second thought and realises that Jimin's hands are incredibly soft, that her calluses are probably hurting her. So as soon as she stands, she lets go and takes a step back. 

"Thank you." Minjeong clears her throat and Jimin laughs again. 

"Can I stay to watch? If you dont mind of course."

She sees Hyunjin staring at her from the desk with a small smirk and just catches the wink she throws her way. Really, what was Minjeong supposed to do, say no?

Jimin becomes a constant in her life after that, because after that day, she gives Minjeong her number and tells her to text often. Minjeong learns that Jimin loved to dance, that it was all she wanted to do growing up and could recite Frozen and Rapunzel word for word. That she loved jellies, tonkatsu, pink pringles and would eat them together forever with carbonated drinks if she could. She learnt that Jimin loved lipsticks and that she often wore pink and red (Minjeong loves it when she wears a blend of rose and coral) because it reminds her of spring even though her favourite colour was blue. She learns that Jimin jumps at sudden loud sounds, that she was actually a huge coward who was scared of many, many things and that she would never ride roller coasters and only carousels when the carnival came to town. 

Jimin learns about Minjeong too. Learns that she loved to eat snacks and would rather eat chocolate, milk and ice cream over any meal, any day. She learns that Minjeong was a huge fan of action movies, the bloodier the fight scenes, the better and how she almost broke her nose while trying to recreate one of the scenes when she was younger. Jimin learns the Minjeong loved animals but has never owned any and was surprisingly good at math. She learnt that Minjeong loved to cook and cooked often for Hyunjin and Heejin (Jimin remembers Heejin eating lasagne that tasted like heaven). That it was also what spurred her to choose her course of study. Learns about how Hyunjin used to call her Winter because of how fair she was when she was younger but now it's because of how easily she got cold. Jimin learns that while Minjeong was awkward and quiet at first, she was actually a whole dork and was the funniest person she had ever met with enough energy to rival the Sun.

There's a certain calmness that floats down to gently wrap around her shoulders whenever she spends time with Jimin, whether it was in the gym at ungodly hours of the morning, or during lunch when Jimin comes to find her sometimes with Aeri and Yizhuo, sometimes without. It's something Minjeong didn't think she would ever feel, when all she knew was rough and sharp. Minjeong doesn't trust easily, always deflects opportunities to get to know other people intimately with common answers and tight lipped smiles, brushes away compliments by directing them at others. But with Jimin it's different, with Jimin, the words just flow without stopping and sometimes Minjeong will catch herself mid-ramble with an apology on the tip of her tongue, cheeks pink like coral and rose. But Jimin always shakes her head, hushes her with a gentle hand placed over her own and asks her to continue with the brightest smile, keeping up with Minjeong's miles a minute thoughts. Jimin's compassionate and kind in a way she never will be and Minjeong feels the death grip she has on her emotions weaken everytime she hears Jimin laugh, feels Jimin slip her hand in hers, smells sweet lavender in the collars of the jackets Jimin throws over her shoulders whenever she starts shivering. She dyes the ends of her hair blue one day, and Heejin points out that there’s a slight hint of lavender just at the tips.

“Why the sudden change?” Hyunjin asked her one morning when Jimin had an exam in 3 hours and decided to go back to her dorm to rest.

Minjeong just hums, recalling the bright smile Jimin had given her when she had finally seen her new hair. She buries this memory next to the one she made on the day she performed Journey to the West for the first time, breathes in and shrugs. But she thinks Hyunjin understands. She always understood her anyway.

So it was inevitable, Minjeong supposes, that she starts to think she has a chance with her.

A dangerous thought that she knows she should get rid of immediately.

"This is the eighth consecutive day you've past your usual time." 

Whenever they talk about things they would rather ignore, Minjeong knows to focus on the unspoken words, listens to the tone that colours Hyunjin's voice. She bites her lip as she contemplates an excuse, eyes sweeping over the lake in front of her. But this was Hyunjin, they never lied to each other about anything.

"Yeah." A pause. "Did she come today again?" 

"Yes. Asked me if she just missed you." 

Minjeong sighs and Hyunjin takes that as her cue to continue. "You need to stop running away, Jeongie. It's clear that she likes you too." 

Minjeong squeezes her eyes shut, she knows Hyunjin knows her as well as she knows herself.

"I know that. But it's just too good to be true. Like why would Yoo Jimin even look my way? I'm nothing compared to her."

Minjeong inhales and breathes out the one thought that has been swimming around her mind ever since Jimin started talking to her. It's as sharp as the perfection she has been chasing, maybe even sharper, and digs down into every open wound Minjeong has in her heart.

"It'll be better for the both of us, if nothing ever happens. I'm not perfect and that's really all she deserves."

"Jeongie… Remember when we were both chased by that dog because we decided to climb Mr Lee’s apple tree?" Minjeong taps her staff on the ground, she knows exactly where Hyunjin is going with this, holds her breath and counts to ten.

But Hyunjin knows her too and by the time Minjeong reaches eight, the topic has already been changed.

"Are you at the park again?" She smiles and takes a deep breath, the only thing she smells is lavender. "Where else would I be?"

She hears Hyunjin sigh heavily over the phone. "I'd tell you to stay safe. But the park is literally your second home. Remember that we're meeting Heejin for dinner tonight, don't be late."

"Yes mum. See you tonight." The line clicks and then all Minjeong hears is silence.

Yes, the park is her second home, she always comes here when she needs a space to just exist. And at 5 in the morning, the sky is still pitch black, the only movement around her are the trees swaying in the wind and an occasional monitor lizard making its way out of the murky water to bask in the approaching sunlight. But for now, it is quiet and smells like green, brown, blue and purple. Lavender. And Minjeong glances around just to be sure that she really is alone. There's nobody else around, Minjeong follows the tail of a monitor lizard disappearing into the grass and smiles. Then she hears a muffled flapping from the tops of the tallest trees and realises that she has been standing here for an hour now, the storks rose with the sun after all. The cries start and Minjeong winces because no matter which generation of storks roosted in the high branches, they have never known how to be quiet. She hears a sharp gasp from behind her and turns to see Jimin with her eyes screwed shut and hands over her ears. 

Shit, Minjeong thinks as her body moves without her control, towards Jimin instead of away, why is she here?

But there is no time and Minjeong gently pulls Jimin away from the squawking birds, to a quieter part of the park. Along the way, Jimin's fingers have curled around hers and her grip is tight, almost like she's afraid Minjeong would run away when she let go. Minjeong swallows, she wouldn't run away even if she could, Yoo Jimin didn't know the extent of the shackles she had around Minjeong's tiny heart. They stop at a pavilion, and Minjeong prays that this confrontation won't end her when Jimin lets go of her hands.

"You've not been coming to the gym anymore." Jimin says and Minjeong bites at her lips.

"No." "Why not?" "I wanted a change of scenery."

"No," The corner of Jimin's mouth twists downwards and Minjeong has to fight every nerve in her body to keep her head down and her hands behind her back. 

But then Jimin reaches warm hands forward to wrap them loosely around Minjeong's wrist.

"No," her voice is softer now, "that's not the reason. Try again?"

Minjeong finally lifts her head and meets wide ebony eyes, earnest and pleading, and asks herself why Jimin would bother trying so hard for someone like her. It just didn't make sense to her anymore. But Jimin still stares at her with a certain kind of desperation that Minjeong's all too familiar with and haloed by the light of the rising sun, looks like everything Minjeong has ever wanted. 

"I needed to get away from you," she hears herself say and when it registers, recoils so fast that she almost succeeds in yanking her hand out of Jimin's grasp. Almost.

"Why?" Minjeong knows she's not imagining the hurt in Jimin's voice, knows she's the cause of it and hates herself even more. “Minjeong, please.”

When they had been cornered by the dog, Hyunjin had told Minjeong to be brave, that if they weren't scared, the dog would leave them alone. And she was right, because when Minjeong had stared straight into the dog’s eyes, shoulders pulled back and face impassive, the dog had huffed, confused, before it turned around and left them alone. 

Be brave, Minjeong hears Hyunjin say, wonders why she can't match the bravery on Jimin’s face and tries to find it buried underneath years of cowardice. Be brave.

“You deserve someone who is perfect. And I’m not.” Minjeong breathes, feels the air stutter in her chest when Jimin steps closer, with a frown that should never be on her face. 

Her stomach twists because this is who Kim Minjeong really was, a girl who flew too high too fast and was terrified of hitting the ground. A coward who hated facing disappointment, who wanted to be the best even if it was impossible, who did not know how to be anything but perfect. The prospect of Jimin seeing this side of her was terrifying and Minjeong knows that any moment now, Jimin will decide that this is all not worth her time and leave. They all do in the end.

But Jimin shakes her head, her voice shaky and wet when she speaks. “You don't get to decide that for me, Minjeong. Nobody is perfect.”

I know that but I want to be, for you. Minjeong can feel the words scratching at her throat, can taste the copper and rust they leave in their wake, feel the sting as she bleeds, bleeds, bleeds. It’s all I have to give you.

But Jimin presses closer still, until all Minjeong can smell is lavender, until all she can taste is caramel and salt. Kissing Jimin was everything she has ever dreamed of and more, and Minjeong prays again to whichever God that would even bother with her that if she were to ever lose her memories, that she will never forget this feeling. And when Jimin pulls back, Minjeong’s so scared that if she opens her eyes, Jimin will vanish like the smoke that makes up her dreams. 

“Hey,” she hears Jimin whisper, feels her breath brush across her upper lip and tries her hardest to hold her tears. “Minjeong, look at me.”

And Minjeong listens. “You don't have to be perfect, Minjeong. You already are to me.”

Wide ebony eyes are all Minjeong can see and suddenly Jimin is thumbing away the tears that trail down her cheeks. Minjeong cries because there isn't any trace of lies in Jimin’s gaze, cries because Jimin was telling the truth. 

“You are perfect to me,” Jimin repeats and Minjeong clutches at her arm with the same intensity sheused when she had chased after empty words. “And you’re all I want, so please, don't say things like that ever again.”

And this close, Minjeong believes her.


End file.
